CHECKING IN....

Hi everyone, long time no blog! ha

Well, as you all are aware, I had been having marital problems for the last 6 months. I had been dealing with alot of stuff for the last 6 or so years that I just kept quiet about. I am not the type to discuss things when they are not going well. There are too many people in my life who get a kick out of bad things happening to me so I always pretended everything was great.

Well, I reached my limit around 6 months ago. I just could not do it anymore and was tired of being unhappy.

Some of you know some of the issues I have dealt with over the years and then there are some that I never shared. I am not interested in bashing Shawn on here or anything so I am not going to give details publicly on this blog. Just know that he NEVER raised his hand to me, that was not an issue and to my knowledge he was faithful. Those two things were not issues.

6 months ago I told Shawn I wanted to leave. I was done. I had nothing left. He begged me to stay and try to work things out and he said he would change. Well, he did change some big physical issues that I had a problem with. He stopped smoking in the house. He has always smoked all over the house and in the car and I begged him for years to stop and he wouldn't. This time he listened and stopped. That was great.

Another change he made was that he started helping me more around the house. He was cooking and cleaning and helping a ton.

All of these things were great changes but the core of who he is had not changed and that is my biggest issue with him. Some of you who know him, know what I am referring to......that will never change unfortunately because he just doesn't see it. After 6 months of trying to work it out and trying to get him to see what my biggest problem was, I finally had enough.

I realized that I don't have the love for him that a wife should. It's gone and it's been gone for a long time. I care about Shawn and I love him as someone I spent a long time with and as the father of my son but that's it. I don't hate him. I don't wish him any harm. I just cannot be married to him any longer. I had to leave for his sake, my sake and for Dawson's sake.

As long I was living in that house, Shawn held onto hope that things were going to be okay. I stayed longer than I should have because I didn't want to hurt Dawson but then I realized it was hurting Dawson living in the house with two parents who started fighting constantly and were both miserably unhappy. It was best for everyone that I leave.

So, last Friday, I moved out of the house. I told Shawn on Monday that I would be moving out on Friday. I didn't just disappear. I am living with my friend Janie who lives about 12 mins from the house and I go to the house everyday before work to care for Dawson. I did not take him with me to Janie's because I didn't want to uproot him from everything he knows just to stay with me at a friend's house. It was best for him to stay there.

He starts school this Thursday and I plan to drive to the house every morning and get him ready for school and drop him off. Shawn leaves at 6:30 am so he can't do it.

At some point I plan to try to change my shift to a day shift, rent a place near Shawn and have shared custody. I do plan to file for divorce, as soon as I figure out how to do it. I see and spend lots of time with my son everyday and can't wait to have my own place where he can live with me too. I told Shawn he can have the house, he can afford it and it was his parents who bought the house for us in the first place. I only listed a few large items that I wanted and told him he can have the rest and keep his car, which is paid off but in my name. I am not out to hurt anyone, I am not out to take him down........I just want out of the marriage as quickly and painlessly for everyone's sake.

I expected Shawn to be angry once I actually moved out but one problem I am having is that he shows his anger in front of Dawson and says really mean things to me in front of him. I can't seem to get him to stop doing that in front of Dawson. I understand his anger but feel its important not to show those feelings in front of our son. Dawson tells me he wishes dad and I can be friends. That is what I want as well and that is best for Dawson in this situation.

Another concern I have is that Shawn invited a girl over for dinner last Tuesday night while Dawson was there. Dawson is not ready for that but Shawn is not thinking clearly. I think he was thinking more about trying to make me jealous than about what's best for Dawson. I asked him to keep that stuff away from Dawson but he just gets angry and yells. I explained to him that I don't care who he sees or if he dates but Dawson is not ready to see his dad with another woman or his mom with another man......its way too soon for that stuff! I had only been gone 4 days!! I even told him I would keep Dawson with me when he wanted to date, I just don't want Dawson to be around when he has a girl over. What he does when Dawson is not around is his business.

As for me, I have been working alot of 12 hour days and saving up money. I closed our joint account and opened my own and I am working hard. When I am not working, I am spending time with Dawsy. I already feel a ton happier and it feels as if a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

I never wanted to end up divorced, when I got married, it meant forever to me and I am disappointed that it didn't work out but I just cannot live that way anymore. It was not good for anyone.

There are some who judge me, but mostly I get alot of love and support from friends and family. But one thing I have learned, is that I deserve better.........no more pretending for me!

Well, thanks for listening. I hope to start blogging more now that my life is not so unhappy. I miss you all.