Well, here's my dilemma. Dawson and I have always been close and because of his medical problems early on, I have been protective more than under normal circumstances.
Well, in the last year, Shawn has said that our relationship is not normal. I blew it off several times but now I think he may be right. There are many things that he does that are odd and strange and I am afraid that if I do not do something now, he will be up for a rude awakening when he grows up.
**He is never happy to be anywhere but home. I can't even take him to a children's place like Chuck E Cheese, the museum (like yesterday) or the YMCA to go swimming or he wants to go home and "do something just the 2 of us".
** He tells me that daddy is mean and he likes to be with me because I am nice.
** He asks me all day every day if I will sleep in his bed. If I say, maybe, he harps on me all day about it. I have slept with him usually on Saturday nights when Shawn goes to his friend Billy's house because he gets home late. Not a day goes by that he doesn't ask me if I can sleep with him and he hates it when I say that I am going to sleep with daddy tonight. I have messed up so badly with this because I love sleeping with Dawson as much as he does. I love that we lay in bed and talk and snuggle and giggle before we go to sleep. He's my last child so I have wanted to savor every moment because I knew that he'd adventally get to an age that he wouldn't want to be around me as much. I have a 17 year old that hates to be hugged and won't show any affection at all so I guess it made me cling to Daws more. This has gotten so bad that when Shawn goes to Billy's house but ends up coming home early around 9 or so, Daws gets visibly upset with his dad for coming home because he thinks that when Shawn comes home early, that I won't sleep with him. He says things to Shawn like "Why are you coming home, I want mom to sleep with me" or Dad, when are you going to Billy's?" The moment Shawn walks in the door, Daws will say "Mom can still sleep with me, right?" This has really made Shawn feel unloved by Dawson and Shawn is fearful that this is causing Dawson to view Shawn as his competition.
** He gets mad when Shawn asks me to watch a show with him. Dawson will say "I want you to watch a show with me!!" "You love daddy more than me." If I have a conversation with Cameron or another child, Daws gets very angry that I didn't include him in the conversation and he cries and says that I don't love him. If I call the cat or dog or another child, my nickname for Daws, which is Boo Boo, he gets very upset and says "Hey, that's my name."
** When we are around children (any age) he wants to play with me. He is annoyed by any children asking him to play or trying to do child-like things with him. He will not independently play even while at a children's play place. He needs me to watch every move and be a part of everything he does. If I am talking to an adult, he will scream my name until I stop and give my attention to him. If I talk on the phone, he follows me around and constatly tries to interrupt and he asks me to get off the phone.
** He's asked me several times to marry him. He's even given me a ring (a toy one)
** Even though he wants to be home, he won't play anything (even video games which he loves) without me. If I go downstairs on the computer because I see him working on something, a minute later, he will be at my back asking me to do something with him. I can't even watch a t.v. show without having to pause it at least 15 times because he needs my attention.
** When he has to stay somewhere all day (like daycare) or overnight (like uncle's house or grandparents), he calls me all day. When he calls me he whispers things that only I can hear. He asks me to do his communication for him to the adult who is in charge. Even when he's on a play date at a friend's house, he will call me and see what I am doing and say he's just checking on me.
** He never admits to having fun. He will always say that he didn't have fun even if we see that he was enjoying hiumself.
** He will fake sick (and has admitted it) to stay home from school with me. He also complains about something hurting all of the time, my leg hurts, my elbow hurts, my teeth hurt, it's endless.......he does this everyday!
**One night, I took a shower without telling him because everytime I do, he has to come in and "use the bathroom". When I got out of the shower, he said "mom, why didn't you tell me you were taking a shower?" and I said, out of frustration, "Next time, I will put out a memo!"
**If I ever use a stern voice with him because he's doing something wrong, he cries and says that I don't love him because I am being mean.
There are countless other examples that I am sure I am leaving out but I just can't think of them all at the moment. I really need to do something about this but I don't know how to start or what to do. If any of you have any suggestions or anything that may be helpful to me, I would greatly appreciate it. I have trouble with feeling guilty so I know that is part of the problem. I feel like if I tell him to go play, because I am doing something that it makes me selfish and will make him think I don't love him. Please help! I need some major advice!
10 comments:
Oh girl I feel your pain...well kinda. Ryan is happy going anywhere as long as I go too. he just got separation anxiety, at 5. It is horrible. Have you talked to his doctor? Our said to take it slowly and leave him for short periods of time, longer and longer each time. I know the situation is different, because Ryan is happy all the time, loves to do anything he just "can't be without me". BUT he adores his father. He wants to sleep with US. Ryan's is a fear thing. I think the saying you don't love him is just to play on your guilt. He knows it hurts you and you will feel guilty and he will get his way. I really think you need a pro to help, but know that everyone has problems you aren't alone. Everyone gets frustrated but the important thing is you want to help your child and are willing to do so. I know what it's like not to even be able to take a shower without interruption, it SUCKS!
Yeah, I have been talking alot about it to Sonya and she's the one who told me to post about it and see what ideas people have. She suggested that I talk to his pediatrician about it too. I will do that but I also need to change what I am doing....I know alot of it is my fault. It's just hard to figure out what to do when you are in the situation, I need people who are away from the situation to point out what I am doing and what I should do to change it. I just want to change this now because I know it's going to be a huge diservice to him if I don't. Thanks so much for your support.
Wow, reading it doesn't sound as bad as it is. I have never seen it like this before. It is way more a "way of life" type of thing then a phase. Ryan's is totally different. The only thing that the 2 have in common is that they both want mom. Every part of it is opposite other than that. I told her and you guys can say your opinion on this advice, that she needs to flat out change it. I diaggree with taking it really slow. Dawson is not afraid of Crystal being away, he just thrives on her being there. I am not at all saying to cold turkey it and leave him alone BAM. I am saying that she should make a schedule, a plan and then sit him down and follow the plan exactly. Like most things with our children, this is result of Crystal's reaction to him. He demands something of her and she jumps before it is out of his mouth. She stops our conversation when he screams her name. I know that she knows all of this and that she wants to change it. How is the hard part.
Sonya's right.....it's totally based on how I react.
I think he needs some serious daddy time, and you need Mommy time. Go see a movie, get a manicure just go window shopping, have lunch with a friend. Something to get out and more importantly have him stay in with his dad. Maybe make it a weekly thing, make him understand that you can't be together all the time. Have Daddy take him out, make him leave the house as much as possible until he gets more use to it.
Oh, Crystal I feel for you so much. Kids are so difficult. They are truly smarter than we are and know exactly how to push our buttons. I agree that he is totally doing a lot of that just because he knows it will work!! I mean all kids try about anything they can think of to get what they want and when they find one that works, you bet they're going to stick to it!! I think he's totally using the guilt thing to get to you and not because he actually feels that way. I mean how could anyone believe that you don't love him. I haven't actually met you, but I know you love him more than anything!! It shows!! You have to be confident in that and know that he knows it too!! I know it would be so hard to deal with your baby saying those things to you, but it could be worse!! You just have to be strong and get through it a few times and show him that eventhough he's not always getting exactly what he wants, you are still there for him and you're love for him hasn't changed. It will get easier if you are consistent with him. You really need to work on the Daddy resentment stuff, because that just wouldn't fly at our house. We are a unit and you can't say something about one without it also being about the other. You have to have a united front between you and Shawn and not let him get away with saying mean things about Daddy. It should be offensive to you when he says that about your husband and you should let him know that. I don't know for sure, but I would guess he doesn't mean it when he says those things either, he's just playing you. My children favor me as well, just because I'm with them much more and I think that's normal. Now when I say favor, I mean they come to me first when there's a problem or they get hurt or something like that. But I make sure they never try to play us against each other. I make sure they know how much Daddy loves them, and he's involved with them a ton when he's home-going to their different classes, taking them out alone, playing games and reading with them, etc... He also brings them home gifts from his trips....hmmmmm maybe that's why they like him,,sbnl Gosh, I know it's so difficult to realize that there's anything that you may need to work on with your child. We all dream that they're going to be perfect when they're born and unfortunately they're not!! All of us have to work and work to get them to be happy, well adjusted and responsible children (and hopefully adults). We'll never stop working on that until they're on their own. I think you're doing a good job and you shouldn't beat yourself up so much. With just a few adjustments, things should be looking up for you. Oh and the marry thing...my kids do that stuff all the time. Mine at least, don't really understand what that means and they're always saying they're either going to marry me or Steve or each other. I think that's very normal and nothing to worry about, he'll grow out of it. We're here for you and we'll pray for you!!
Thank you so much Jamie, that was really kind of you. I think Cheryl is right about Daws needing more time with Daddy and less with me, I think I am going to start there. I will talk to Shawn tonight about a plan. I will keep you all posted. Thanks again for all the support!!! Love you guys!
Wow. I wouldn't know where to start. I agree with everyone else. I definately think it would help to talk to the dr. and then probably a counselor who could help you prioritize the problems and help you to set small goals to change. Also, a counselor would keep you accountable. I would definately recommend finding a Christian counselor. Did you get to talk to Shawn about it at all?
Wow, I want a problem so Jamie leaves a comment like that on my blog...she forgot all about me since days ago...BOO HOO.
Shawn and I did have a long talk about it last night. I will post about it when I am on my lunch break at work.
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