Parenting Tip
The Guilt Trap
Some parents look at the pain their children have already experienced in life and then use leniency to try to compensate. The leniency then often results in demandingness and poor character in their children.
Children who have suffered through divorce, death of a family member, or have had a major illness need extra care and love but they don't need parents to just give in. These parents end up with kids who have two problems: they are hurt and they lack character. Because you love your children you may feel like you want to spare them any more pain so you hesitate to confront, correct, set limits, or discipline. This can be counter-productive. Instead, increase the love while continuing the firmness your child needs.
When you hear those words in your head, "she's already been through so much. . ." then it's time to step back and evaluate the situation and what you're teaching about life. One helpful solution is to develop a philosophy of discipline. Actually write out some key principles that will carry you through when you feel weak:
A. We all must learn to live within limits.B. Unfairness is inevitable in life so our response to it is more important than balancing the scales.C. Character is important and is often learned through difficulties.D. Trials and problems can bring out the best in people.
Children who have struggles in life not only need heavier doses of love, but they often need heavier doses of firmness too in order to overcome a tendency toward self pity, demandingness, or selfishness. Lovingly guide your children to gain the most from their struggles and develop the character they need to be successful in life.
5 comments:
I did this to Gabe when my dad died. And I did this with all 4 after being so sick in 2005-2006. I was in the hospital so much that when the kids see it they say it's mommy's hospital. I tried to make up for my absences - but in the wrong way!
I was guilty of this for many years with Cameron because of the situation between his dad and I. I felt bad for Cameron and parented out of guilt for a while.
How did you stop. Didn't stopping make the guilt worse for you?
It was very hard to stop!!! I still do it sometimes but now I catch myself and stop it. I would still be doing it all of the time if it weren't for Shawn. He has been Cam's step-dad since Cam was 8 years old and he saw some mistakes that I was making and helped me to see it and change it. It was very hard but you have to keep telling yourself that it's in HIS best interest to stop parenting out of guilt because he will be the one that suffers later for it. Parenting out of guilt is to make US feel better, it's not better for the child. I will pray for you on this.
I totally needed to read this today!!
I love these effective parenting tips! Do you have anything on selfishness? I really need to teach Jacob to not be so selfish and to stop only thinking of himself and his wants!! I think this guilt post is a great start for me! Thanks!
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