PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND...........

Okay, this is going to be a very deep and personal post but I just feel I need to post about it because I seriously need help understanding this.

Okay, my parents divorced when I was 3 years old. I was raised by my mother who abused me almost my whole life and I am not talking just some spankings that were too hard at times, I am talking some hard core abuse. I know two of you know the details. I am not looking for sympathy here, I am truly over all of the abuse, I worked for years to get over it and I can talk about it in great detail without feeling anything.

My dad was a deadbeat that didn't pay child support until he was forced to and he rarely came to see me. I would literally fall asleep on the porch waiting for him to come pick me up, only to be told he was not coming. I went thru all of this my whole childhood.

Now, As you all know, I had my first child when I was just 17 years old. I was unmarried and I eventually broke up with Cameron's dad. I did my best to take care of my child on my own but with limited resources and no education, no drivers license and no job, it was pretty hard. I had to rely on friends and family to help me. I had some pretty good friends that were there for me. Even though it wasn't the ideal situation for my young son at the time, I still made sure he had what he needed and most of what he wanted and he was very very loved! I commited myself to breaking the cycle of abuse that I had gone thru as a child. I didn't have a very stable life at the time but I can honestly say that I was a good mom and I did the best that I could.

Well, later I ended up in a 7 year relationship with someone who was black. At the time, I was renting the top floor of my dad's house and I was 20 years old. He threw me out because he is very racist and I ended up staying with my friends, Janie and Pete for a month until I eventually moved in with Larry.

Due to the fact that Cam's dad was also racist, he told me he was going to sue me for custody of my son. He followed thru with the threat and I was served the papers. At this time, I didn't have a relationship with my mother because I was working thru all the abuse and I had to cut ties with her. She was very bitter about that so she decided to help Jay sue me for custody of my son. I went thru a year and a half of hell, worrying that I was going to lose my son. After it was all said and done, Jay did not win custody of Cameron but we did keep the shared parenting arrangement and came up with a different schedule and it eventually all worked out even though it was extremely rough on all of us at times but namely Cameron. He suffered alot from all the bitterness and fighting over him. We are all at fault for what we put him thru.

To this day, I have not forgiven my mother for helping Jay try to take my child away. I just can't find it in my heart to forgive her for that. I completely forgive her for the abuse she did to me as a child but the continuous ways she still tries to abuse me, I just can't get over! Believe me, I know that God calls me to forgive but this is truly something I struggle with. I didn't have a relationship with my mother for 8 years. In those 8 years, I was able to work thru all the baggage and garbage but I was still a work in progress. I had no faith and I was a complete mess! I am not making excuses, just stating the facts.

I ended up doing a very hurtful thing to my cousin and I ended up marrying Shawn and I lost alot of good relationships with my family members. You guys know how that story ends but what you don't know is that after being married for a little less than a year, Shawn kept encouraging me to try to rebuild my relationship with my mother. He just didn't understand what I was going thru because his parents have always been married and he wasn't raised the way I was raised.

He finally got thru to me and I reached out to my mother and we very slowly tried to have a relationship with each other. She was still very bitter and would say hurtful things about me, my husband and would talk behind our backs to other family members and she became very toxic to our family so I recently cut ties with her again. It's been 6 or 7 months now. She has called and left nasty messages on my voicemail calling me names and telling me how awful I am and that SHE doesn't deserve to be treated this way and yadda yadda yadda! She seriously does not think she has ever done anything wrong and nothing is ever HER fault! She never truly apologized to me for the abuse either or for helping Jay. All she has ever said was "I know I abused you, but I was sick then, I am healed now." To me, that is not a true heartfelt apology at all. She does not seem remorseful or humble about anything she has ever put me thru at all.

My mother is a very hard person to be around. She has no friends and most of her family don't even understand her or like to be around her. She's just different than anyone I have ever met. I just don't get her at all. A part of me thinks that maybe she's got a mental condition of some sort that makes her the way she is.........I just don't know. But no matter what I do, the woman just keeps trying to hurt me.

As you know, I have a new baby neice. My brother does not know how to take care of a baby so my mom lets him stay with her whenever he has her. My mom does most of the work for the baby and I have gone over there to visit the baby and I have helped my mom with her. I have offered to help in any way I can with the baby. Another thing I never shared was that the baby's mom is in prison for up to 3 years so she is being raised by the mother's grandmother. We are all trying to pitch in and help take care of this baby. I figured for the baby's sake, we should try to be cordial and do whatever it took to give her the love she needs so desperately. Everything was going fine. I didn't ask my mom to have a relationship with me or anything like that, I thought we were just being cordial and helping to care for the baby, that's it. I mean, we are all adults right?? We can set aside our differences and do right by this child, right???

Well, Christmas came around and my mom had called me about the baby and while we were on the phone, she mention that Christmas Eve and Christmas Day was going to be like a regular Monday and Tuesday for her since she didn't have a place to go. (I had always hosted Thanksgiving and Christmas and had she and my dad over every year for the last 4 or 5 years.)

When I got off the phone, I told Shawn about the conversation and he immediately said "Call her back and invite her to go with us to my mom and dad's for Christmas." I hesitated and didn't want to do that at all. I waited for a long time and then realized that God would want me to invite her because no one should be alone on Christmas. So, against my better judgment, I called my mom and invited her and I made a point to let her know that Shawn told me to invite her because she for some reason has always treated him so awful when he's the one that has always encouraged me to work on my relationship with her. She told me that she appreciated it very much but she was fine with being alone.

Now, for the last week or two, I have gone over there when ever she's had the baby and I have helped her and stuff. We have just communicated about the baby, not much of anything else which is totally fine.

Then today as I am packing all my things for the move, the phone rings. Shawn answers and it's my mother. He hands me the phone and she says "Crystal, I have some things I want to talk to you about." I said "okay, what's up?" She then proceeds to say "Ben and Ang (my brother and sister) told her that I said that Jaelyn was more like my grand-daughter than a neice since I rasied Ang and Ben myself!" my response to my mother was "Are you going to ask me if I said that or are you going to just believe what they said? I told her that what I said was that Jaelyn was like having a grand-child since I was so much older than Ang and Ben and helped take care of them when they were babies and that they are like my kids to me. Ang is 10 years younger than me and Ben is 11 years younger than me. I never said that I was the who raised them!

Then she said "I just want you to know that I do not want a relationship with you because I can't trust you..........After she said this, I just hung up on her! I just could not listen to it any longer! What the heck is she talking about!? I thought we had already said our piece to each other and have already established the fact that we can't have a mother and daughter relationship with each other! What gives her the idea that I would even want one!? She's toxic to me and I know that and I totally accept this fact. I was just trying to be there for my niece. It was all about Jaelyn, not my mother.

Now I fear, that she's going to use Jaelyn against me. I have a feeling she is going to keep her from me out of spite. Can someone please tell me what I should do??? I just don't understand this woman at all. I need someone objective that can maybe see something that I don't. I would not be able to bare losing my baby niece..........oh, I would just die! Please help me to understand all of this.........thanks for listening.